The Akatsuki Sex Talks
by ShockValueAuthor
Summary: How the Akatsuki had found about the 'birds and bees'. Rated M for sexual humor


It was about eight o'clock in the evening one night when a few members of the Akatsuki were gathered around a table, conversing after a tiring day of missions. It was Tobi who started the next conversation.

"What are birds and bees?" Tobi asked.

There was a collective silence among everyone else. Finally Deidara gave Tobi a dry look and blatantly said, "Sex. Happy now?"

"I know it's sex, but why birds and bees?"

"It's a fucking expression, you idiot." Deidara snapped.

Kisame leaned back against the wall he was sitting near. "I remember the first time I was told about sex." He chuckled over the memory. "It was rather funny, if I recall correctly…"

Sasori directed his attention from Deidara and Tobi to Kisame. "Oh? How so?"

"Well, my parents weren't exactly too bright when it came to explaining things like that," Kisame said with an amused smile. "When I was about twelve, I had heard some kids talking about it. So, naturally, I became curious and confronted my folks about it. The funny part was that my father sat me down and tried to elaborate about the topic." Kisame laughed. "Being a smartass, I asked if he had done that to my mother lately. And he told me things that no one needs to know about their parents."

Deidara looked confused. "Like what?"

Kisame shook his head and glanced at Deidara. "Would you seriously want to hear _your_ father tell you what makes _your_ mother tick in bed?"

"I take it that's why Kisame is so demented." Sasori muttered.

"Okay, no." Deidara said, a disgusted look plastered on his face. "Well, mine was a lot less traumatic than yours, hm. I had a babysitter when I was about eight or nine. This lady had a really nice chest, if you catch my drift." Deidara grinned. "Anyway, I came downstairs because I was thirsty, and I saw her watching porn. I was still young, so I didn't know what she was doing."

"Doing? Holy shit, was she-"

"Yeah, hm. So I went to her and asked. She freaked out and sat me down, talking to me. I remember her telling me that whole shit about men and women loving each other, and even then, I thought it was comical. And then," Deidara grinned again, "I asked what she had been doing. She told me, and apparently she was so embarrassed that she quit the next day."

"Wow."

"I know, right?"

Everyone was laughing, save for Itachi. Sasori noticed this and chuckled.

"I'm sure our Uchiha genius has a story to tell…"

Itachi glared at him. "I never had a talk like that. I found out on my own."

"Bet your ass hurt after you '_found out'_, hm, Itachi?" Deidara smiled coyly.

"I'm not gay." Itachi said through gritted teeth.

"Oh, don't worry, Itachi-san." Kisame clapped his partner on the back. "Just because you couldn't get in Sasuke's pants doesn't mean you can't get someone else to screw around with…"

Itachi hit Kisame so hard in the stomach that the shark fell. "Anyone else?" Itachi said calmly.

"No."

"I'm good, hm."

In reality, Itachi _had_ found out on his own. When he was nine, he came into his parent's room to ask a question about something, and he found his mother tied to the bed by her wrists and his father over her and they were-

Itachi felt his eye twitch. Deidara caught the disturbed look on Itachi's face and got the message.

"You saw your parents doing it, didn't you?"

"…Yes."

Kisame choked on the tea he was drinking. "Damn, that beats mine! What were they doing?"

"Suffice to say," Itachi said smoothly, "I thought he was killing my mother. Sadism makes an interesting impression on you when you're nine years old."

Everyone got extremely quiet. Finally Sasori spoke up.

"My talk wasn't really a talk, actually. My parents died when I was very young, so my grandmother decided to teach me…using _puppets_." He gave a sick grin. "It was interesting; and puppets are much more flexible than humans, by the way."

"Unless the human is dead." Itachi said darkly.

Tobi looked at him. "What does that mean?"

"Yeah, Itachi, what does that mean?" Deidara asked smugly.

"I'm not a necrophiliac, either. I was simply saying that people are very flexible when they're dead."

"Well if you are, it's fine. We'll make a support group for you."

"Shut it, Kisame."

"What?" Kisame said with a laugh, "So then, what's your preference, if you catch my drift?"

"…I'm a sadomasochist. So there."

"What the Hell is that, hm?"

"It's where you derive pleasure from giving and receiving pain," Sasori said matter-of-factly. "And it doesn't surprise me that Itachi likes it. He's a twisted teenager, right?"

Kisame laughed. "Ah, the teenage years; a time to experiment…"

"I can hear you, you know." Itachi gave a glare to Sasori and Kisame.

"Well, that's a either a sign that whoever you're boning is really quiet and not deafening, or that you're really that nosy."

"You were distinctly referring to me."

"What does boning mean?"

Sasori went as far as to smack the side of his head in exasperation. "It's when you take animal bones and throw them. It's a game."

Deidara's expression turned to one of shock. "Danna made a joke?"

"Sure, let's call it that. I'm not supposed to be here anyway. I got--"

Kisame reached over and hit Sasori with a newspaper. "Do not say the 'K' word around Deidara."

"Kittens?"

"Shut up Tobi, hm."

"No, seriously." Kisame said slowly, "We weren't going to bring up how you're miraculously here, since you…well, aren't being your normal bitchy self, but Deidara's still having issues coping."

Sasori shrugged. "I don't care." He turned to Tobi. "Kittens? What kind?"

Itachi inwardly grinned at the insinuation, while Kisame pretended to read the newspaper.

"Oh, well, I like the nice and soft ones!" Tobi exclaimed. "I like petting them." He shook his head, the mask shaking with him. "I licked a cat once."

Kisame had made the unfortunate decision of taking a drink of orange juice, and succeeded in spitting it out all over Itachi, laughing.

Needless to say Itachi was not pleased. But regardless he wiped his hands and face with a towel, and sopped up some liquid in his hair. "Really now Tobi; what was that like?"

"It was all hairy," Tobi admitted. "And some of it got stuck in my teeth."

Deidara was having a fit of laughter. "Wow. What'd it taste like?"

Tobi responded, "Well sempai, I didn't eat the cat. That'd be too weird." He sounded confused. "Why are all of you laughing?"

A/N: Well, eh heh….um, I have a dirty mind? Yes, that explains it (yeah right). Hopefully I'll be adding more to this; I felt terrible, leaving my readers like that (presuming they haven't given up on me O_o). If you've read any of my other fanfictions, I will attempt to update ASAP and repeatedly. Phew; an education and relationship really keep you busy!

Warm Regards,

SVA


End file.
